We went last thursday to Boston Children’s to get Jack tested in their Developmental Medicine division. As previously mentioned, the appointment was very fast this time, it took only a month of waiting versus the 9 months we waited with max. The results came back much faster as well, both Craig and I were shocked when the dr told us he would see us six days later to give us the report. I was stunned speechless for a moment which never happens to me.
Craig and I met there, a half hour before the appointment. The last time there was such a massive build up of emotions. I had been called out in so many different arenas for thinking something was off with max that getting that diagnosis was like getting my sanity back, mostly. WIth him there was the massive release of emotion and I could take comfort in the fact that as his mom I knew something was off. This time with Jack I didn’t feel much of anything leading up to it. I was massively curious what they were going to say. I wondered if jack would show them everything that we have seen at home. I wondered if they would take them as seriously as I did. Just in the past week there had been new concerns that have popped up at home. I was kind of in the middle. It wouldn’t have made me upset either way, I just wanted to know what I am up against.
My other main focus was the chocolate croissant that I was going to eat. If I was to be perfectly honest, this was my major concern. I have dreams about buttery flaky pastry containing chocolate. With every major hospital visit we have had there is an Au Bon Pain within my eye sight and I am drawn to them like a moth to flame. Over the past year I have lost 40 pounds, but my inner fat girl gets super excited when I see that sign. It makes me happy. Pastry makes me happy. Incidentally, if you can get to a Trader Joes they sell them in the frozen section and they are to die for. For real. If you ask any of my girlfriends what I said when they asked if I was nervous about last Thursday’s appointment, they will tell you my only concern was getting that croissant. Priorities, people.
Which brings us today. Jack was also diagnosed with autism. There were a number of reasons that I won’t go into but there it is. I have two autistic children. With max I was so emotional and relieved, I cried off and on for days. This time I don’t know what I feel yet. I know that it means a lot more work for me. I know that he is still the same redheaded devilish child I left napping when I went to boston this afternoon. I can’t help but be a little sad only because for a brief time with him as an infant I thought he may be the one who doesn’t struggle like max will. My one typical kid. That pipe dream flew out the window pretty fast once he started talking. I work so hard with max and it is sometimes mentally exhausting, sometimes physically. Now there are two of them so I guess I am mourning the image I had in my head when we first started having kids. I think most parents do this because we never fully realize how tough things get once they develop past infancy. I may just have it a little harder, but certainly not the hardest ever. I also know how much more work I will be doing, and time that will be spent teaching jack and I am choosing to not think about that tonight. Not yet.
There is also a part of me that is incredibly proud of this quirk. I know that my children will see things in the world that most people will miss. They will remember things I wouldn’t think to. They will change people’s minds about the face of autism. The image a lot of people have even with the boom in research and education about autism is the non verbal child who can’t care for himself. That is not my kids. They have autism but its high functioning. I hope that they can enlighten people as to what that looks like, maybe help other parents dealing with a recent diagnosis to know that autism doesn’t mean anything flawed or damaged.
When we got home I told max that we found out today that jack was just like him. His response:
“I know. I have been around a lot longer than jack, I know he was just like me.”
Big words for a little boy, but there is autism for you. See through all the bs and nail it.
Autism Squared 