To My Autistics:
My little loves. I needed to write this to you because on those hard days when it seems like nothing I say is right, or nothing you do is right, you need to hear this. I want you to know the dreams I have for you are still intact. Nothing changed for your dad and I with your diagnosis. I still see you doing wonderful things in the future. I see you struggling, sure. Mostly I see you quietly making the world better just by existing. I know this will be true because you have quietly (sometimes loudly) made me better since I have met you.
I have learned from you to be more patient. To look closely at you and your body for your signals. I have learned about the joy that your achievements bring the team of people that surround you, something as small as letting your little hands be messy and not crying. You have opened up a world of sounds, smells and textures to me that i didn’t pay attention to before. Now when the tag on my shirt itches me, I smile and understand you more.
I still stare at your chest rising and falling while you sleep like I did when you were an infant. Most nights before I go to bed I sneak in just to look at you. I look at your beautiful eyelashes and the curves of your cheeks while you rest and I am thankful that at least when you sleep, you don’t look worried. You may not realize this but your face is pulled into so many quick expressions of frustration and triumph with such speed during the day i sometimes feel tired just watching it. When you sleep, you look peaceful, something that I don’t see often when you are awake.
I know this is hard on you. Please know that. I see you struggle. I see your anger when things get tough for you or you have to participate and have no interest. Please understand I have to make you do these things, one day I hope you will. If I let you retreat into your little shell with your specific interests without making you interact with the world around you, you might forget how. It seems unfair, I know. You want to interact on your terms, and I understand. You are forced to interact on everyone else’s instead. You don’t understand this because you are so little and I must seem mean. I am the one forcing you to sit and do your work. Making you greet people and interact with them. It’s no wonder that I am the one you get so angry with, the one you scream at. I hope one day when you are older and these things have become habit you will understand. I was relentless in this because I know deep down you feel the same way as everyone else. Inside you crave that connection, you just don’t know how to do it in the way everyone else does yet. It’s not that you don’t like people, I know that. I see it in your face when you tell me a joke, or try to teach me about driveshafts. You are trying to connect with me, we are just on different wavelengths. I see it come out when the stars align and you play with your friends and laugh, you love to be silly with them. I love you for your magnificent brain that sees things in a light so different from mine.
I am not perfect at this. That temper you have? The stubbornness? That comes from me. I try my hardest, and when I lose my patience I am really sorry. There is no manual for me to do this, you and I are just trying our best. Somedays my best is awesome, and somedays I go to bed thinking about all of the ways I can do it better. Try harder. Have more patience. My lifes work will be trying to get this right.
I won’t ever leave you. No matter how mad you are at me, no matter what horrible things come out of your mouth. Even if you hit me, I will stay. I am your person. I am your mom. I carried you inside my body so I know you like the back of my hand. I love you more than I love coffee, which as you know is quite a lot. I will do my best to understand your anger directed at me as the only release you have thats safe. I will hug you after every meltdown, or let you have some time to yourself if you need that more. A little piece of my heart breaks for all you have resting on your narrow shoulders. I see your future as so bright and I hold on to that through all the screaming and all the tears.
I love you. I love you more now than when we first met. I love you more because of your autism, because you and I have to fight harder to come together and when we do, its sweeter than I ever would have imagined.
Mom
Autism Squared 